A lot of speech related issues comes down to why they were problematized in the first place, and to understand that context is very important. I totally agree that in a ideal world where people were not oppressed by other peoples and words were not loaded with history and pain then we theoretically would be able to use all words without restriction.
Unfortunately humans have done and continue to do nasty stuff to each other, and some of that nasty stuff then carries over into the language where words pick up meanings, for example words such as chink, nigga, coon, bong etc There are certain things due to history that we know people are sensitive about due to what happened historically and how terms were used to further hurt people.
Historically in Malay Archipelago colonial powers made it a tactic to bastardize the local titles and terms, including how they called the peoples tribes, regions, etc. The people in this region have historical reason to be more heightened about this issue due to the historical pain caused by the deliberate misconstruction of local terms and titles. Racial segregation and abuse was a means by which colonial occupiers ensured that the native Malay people never progress in the system. As such whilst to the rest of us it means nothing, to a Malay person it evokes memories of those times.
To acknowledge such issues and understand the deeper pain behind them can only enrich our experience. Especially when the 'word' in discussion is not even an actual English word. As such even from a perspective of expression, you aren't missing anything by not using the incorrect spelling of the word Malay.